I recorded this before I left this morning. And let me reiterate, it is GORGEOUS outside. So make sure you get out today! I'm permanently in now because of football, so I'm glad I had the chance to get out!
Ummmm...nothing else to say right now. Off to watch football!
Do dreams really mean anything? Do they predict the future? Can they really be messages from God? I've heard a lot of people say that.
Or are they just dreams...a random series of mental images that are put together into a "story" while we're sleeping?
Some people say they reflect what we're feeling about something in real life.
I've been having some crazy/bad/hope-they-never-come-true dreams lately. Dreams so bad that I kind of don't even wanna speak them into existence. I'm writing about it now because I just had another one...which is the reason why I'm up at 6:48 am on a Saturday morning. Trust me, I don't usually get up quite this early.
These dreams have me...I don't know the word...scared? Maybe not scared, but I can't quite "shake" them. They stay on my mind. They make me think about changing some things in the present.
Do you listen to your dreams? Have you ever had a dream that seemed so real that, when you woke up, you actually felt those emotions from the dream...like what happened in the dream had REALLY happened to you?
That's what the braider said the last two times I've gotten my hair braided. This probably wouldn't be a big deal to some, but for me? Someone that has NEVER had hair this long? It's golden.
I don't know if I've ever said it on here, but I decided to go natural, hence all the braids. I've had my hair braided for about 2 years now I think. I'm growing out the natural hair and will cut the relaxed ends off once I feel like the natural hair is long enough.
I decided to go natural not because I'm all "mother Earth", but because relaxers simply didn't work for my hair. They broke it off. Made it thin. I actually had to cut my hair a few times when I was relaxed because it was so badly broken off. One side would be way shorter than the other. It was a mess. So my hair now is definitely harder to manage, but it's pretty healthy. And it grows! My relaxed hair NEVER grew to be this long.
I feel two different ways about having long hair though. On one hand, I love it because I always wanted it. But on the other hand, it just creates more work! Plus, the braids that I wanted to get...the braider actually told me that my hair was TOO LONG to get them! Sigh. So I'm not really sure what to think. I like the long hair, but I don't like the long hair.
I guess it'll get cut anyway since I have to cut off the relaxed ends. Then I can just rock a short, cute, curly afro or something. I don't know. Either way, it was pretty cool to hear that I have long hair for the first time in my life.
Yep. I caught the bouquet at my coworker's wedding on Saturday.
You know what that means, right? I don't have a clue how it'll happen, but catching the bouquet means it's gonna happen lol.
Is a budding relationship in my near future?
Will I reconnect w/ someone from my past?
Will I meet Mr. Right? Do I already know him?
Who knows. A girl can only hope. It's cool that I caught it though. I had a really good time at the wedding even though I wasn't at all expecting to. My coworker looked beautiful and I'm really happy for her.
I had a great weekend overall. A really great weekend (even though I'm a little upset that I missed church). Oh, and by the way, DON'T go see S.aw VI if you're expecting them to conclude the story. It really is just more of the same. Cool torture scenes though. If you like that sort of thing.
I have a really busy week ahead of me, so I don't know if I'll be writing much. I'll try though.
My parents came to visit Saturday afternoon through Sunday and I had a pretty good time with them. We went to see Law Abi.ding Ci.ti.zen (which was very awesome and very very gruesome), strolled around the mall a little bit, ate a really great brunch at a cool restaurant here, and watched some football.
I'm CRAVING companionship. So much so that I've been having dreams about it. Not necessarily a relationship(because that takes time to cultivate), but just companionship. Someone to hug. Someone to hold hands with. Someone to bounce ideas off of. Someone to cuddle with. Someone to call me beautiful. Someone to go to the movies and hang out with. Someone to kiss. Someone to talk to on the phone before I fall asleep. That type of thing. It's driving me NUTS that I don't have it. Sigh.
My tooth started hurting yesterday. I know that means I need to schedule a trip to the dentist, but I hate the dentist.
I'm going to my coworker's wedding this Saturday. I really hope I don't cry.
I want to travel somewhere. I don't know where though. I don't have anyone to go with anyway. But maybe I'll just go by myself.
I'm *this* close to submitting my application for grad school. I've done everything I need to do. I'm just waiting on my recommendation from someone. How do you say "please hurry up and complete the form" in a polite way? Really. I'd like some ideas. Because I have a feeling I'm gonna have to contact this guy again to ask about the status of the recommendation. And he's kind of "up there", so I need to be nice.
Did I mention that I'm a little scared to go back to school? But sort of excited at the same time?
I often wonder how different my life would be if I had grown up or gone to college in a different city. Would I be happy? Would I have chosen a different career path? Would I have a relationship? Does anybody else wonder that?
I miss love.
Interested in seeing how my body will respond to daily exercise...
Confession. I've been avoiding this question like the plague because I don't really know how to answer it. I could take the realistic/sort-of-pessimistic route...or I could take the optimistic route. I'll take a walk on the wild side and do both. Optimism first.
I can't really say that anything is "missing" in my life because I have everything I need. Notice I said "need" and not "want". I have food, shelter, clothing, enough money to do what I want to do right now, a good job, transportation, a pretty good education, and two parents that love me. And I'll probably be starting a Master's program at the end of January. I'm young and (hopefully) have lots of time ahead of me. I have a great work ethic and I'm outgoing. My health seems to be ok for the moment aside from some weight I need to lose. I also have a few (better than none) close friends, though they aren't physically here with me.
*thinks* Hmmm. According to that paragraph, my life seems pretty perfect, like nothing is missing. Health. Check. Social. Check. Education. Check. Career. Check. Financial. Check. Etc.
But here's the real deal. Notice the things I didn't say.
Love Motivation Self-esteem Security Happiness Hope
Those are all missing.
I'm trying to work on all of them though, except for love. Because I can't control that one. I don't get to decide if and when somebody will decide to love me like I deserve to be loved. It drives me NUTS that I can't control it. And it makes me sad. I want to feel that love now, you know? Who doesn't? Whatever though. I don't wanna think about it. I'd much rather focus on the things that are actually within my control.
I (with some help) have figured out something about myself that I think will prove to be very valuable to me in the future. It's a flaw. A major flaw. So knowing that I am this way will help me change it. Knowing is half the battle, right?
I am a victim of my emotions. What does that mean? It means that I actually think with my emotions instead of my head, or instead of using both to guide my actions.
I'm the type of person that will continue to argue about something, even though the argument is clearly going in circles and nothing is being accomplished. Simply because I feel the anger, frustration, sadness, and confusion...I keep arguing. In my head, I may know that it isn't going anywhere or that it's dumb to keep bringing the same thing up over and over...but my head doesn't guide my actions. My heart does. I need to find a way to use both at the same time.
Looking back, I don't think I've ever been able to keep my emotions in check. When I'm angry..I'm really angry. And when I'm sad, I'm really sad. There's no "in between" or "balance" for me. I'm an extreme type of girl when it comes to emotions. On the flip side of that though, when I'm happy, I'm really happy. So I guess that's the only good thing about it. But I can remember arguing with my parents as a teenager...even though I knew that they wouldn't change their minds about something and that me talking period was pointless...I would still talk. And then they'd say something that would make me angry and I would just snap. Start yelling. Start crying. Get headaches. It's actually kind of crazy now that I really think about it.
I'm the same way in relationships. And that's not a good thing.
Somewhere along the line, I started to think that being this way worked for me. But it really doesn't. It drives me nuts. I think living by emotions alone would drive anyone nuts, because our emotions are so...volatile. And sometimes they don't even make any sense. So I need to change. Start listening to my head a lot more. Not sure how to do that other than to just ignore my emotions sometimes. But if that's what I have to do, then that's what I'll do. Start thinking about things a little bit more before I act. Because being like this is starting to put me in a funk...or something like that.
Having the chance to experience love once (you know what they say..."it's better to have loved and lost...")...even though I have 100% faith that I'll experience it again
My education/job/financial situation
My parents
Life
God's mercy, forgiveness, and love (& church)
Music
The few real friends I have
My blog friends
Football! (even though my team is SUCKING right now)
The beautiful weather we've been having lately
So that's all I can think of right now. I think that's a pretty good list though. Sometimes it's good to focus on what you DO have instead of what you DON'T. Of course I usually tend to focus on the things I don't have, just because that's how my mind works at this point in my life. I'm trying to change that though. Perhaps I'll do this little exercise at the beginning of every week or something..to remind myself that I actually do have a lot to be thankful for.
The short answer to this question is that I don't really know. And yes, I know that isn't really an answer at all.
I honestly think I'm too young and inexperienced to be able to really answer this. I have no clue what it is I want to do with my life. It changes every day.
Do I like my current job? Yes. Very much actually, even though it can be extremely crazy sometimes. But I'm really good at it and I see the opportunity for growth. Plus, I work for an amazing company w/ amazing people.
But I could see myself doing other things. What things? I don't know lol. I mean...I have my degree in IT, but I'm not actually sure that's the field I wanna be in for the rest of my life. I'd like to do something that involves interacting with people, helping somehow. Maybe something business related? *shrugs* I really don't know.
So, um, yeah. I guess I didn't do such a good job at answer this lol. I'm just hoping this is one of those things that'll "come to me" as I get older and gain more job experience.
I'll tell you one thing...I eventually want a job where I won't have to be sitting in front of a computer for 8 hours a day. I really do think it's making me lazier. And I already have bad eyes...
I'm really out of it today. Sleepy. Tired and weak. Headache. Averaging about 4 hours of sleep plus not eating, being stressed out, and being slightly depressed will do that to you I guess.
Trying to prepare to take the hit that I know all too well.
Work is better. Thankfully.
I'm beginning to appreciate my parents more and more each day. It's amazing how much they love me. I wish I had even half of that love for myself.
I'm about to be up to my eyeballs in the Bible (and constantly praying). That's if I can even keep my eyes open long enough to read it. I think it's the only thing that'll help me feel better right now...because I feel alone, very very alone.
There are some very pressing things on my to-do list that I really need to get to. ASAP.
I feel like being silent. Completely silent.
If I had enough money and wasn't scared to fly, I think I would fly to Hawaii right now and just stay there.
I probably should end this with something happier so people don't think I'm completely "off"...
This is the only thing I could think of...Tre.y So.ngz' CD makes me happy. Everytime I listen to it, it just puts me in a zone.
I am absolutely, 150%, no-doubt-about-it, nice. It's like...the epitome of who I am. Most of the time I'm nice to people for no reason whatsoever. I care that much.
I actually think this is my best and worst quality. Let me explain.
It's my best quality because I think it's what people probably remember the most about me. It's why people like me and like being around me. Plus, it's generally a good thing to be nice to people. And it makes me feel good because I love making other people feel good.
It's my worst quality because I'm often too nice or nice to people that don't really deserve it. I suppress how I really feel in the interest of keeping up this whole "nice" thing I have going for me and then I end up being hurt in the end. A lot of people tend to walk all over you when you're overly nice, you know?
I've tried to stop being nice soooooooo many times, but it never really works. I think it's just a part of who I am. And although people may sometimes take advantage of it, I know I'll get my reward in the end, so that keeps me going. Knowing that God sees my actions.
I should probably change in some ways though. I don't necessarily think it's a good thing to be nice and give to people that have proven not to want the best for me. Those types of people should have to earn the niceness. Right?
Why not me? I probably ask myself this question...oh...let's sayyyy...100 times a day at least.
Why wasn't I naturally given the "perfect" body? Why not me? Why wasn't I the one he wanted? Why not me? Why couldn't I be one of those women that marries their high school sweetheart and lives happily ever after? Why not me? Why couldn't I be one of those women that has a man head over heels in love with her? Why not me? Hell...why can't I have a man period? Why not me? Why can't I live without worrying and fearing taking risks? Why not me? Why wasn't I born into money? Why not me?
I could go on and on, as I'm sure anybody could.
Just in case you thought I was delusional, I'm not. I know this type of thinking isn't good. It focuses on "lack" rather than what I actually have to be thankful for, which is a lot when I sit down and really think about it.
But didn't someone say that humans are never satisfied, no matter what? I think I read that somewhere. I often wonder if it's true. No matter what we have, will we always want more? Will we always focus on what we don't have instead of what we do? I really hope that isn't true...because if it is, how could you really find true happiness?
I feel like I'm at a place in my life where I'm simply not satisfied. I want more. Granted, I'm pretty young, so I realize that I have time, but I'm just impatient like that. Life is short. Therefore, I need it now lol. Who knows if I'll even be here tomorrow! I want to experience that love now. I want money now. I want the career of my dreams now.
I'm working on that patience problem though. Trust me. I realize that it's probably the root of about...175638 of my issues.
Anyway, I probably need to learn to focus on what I do have instead of what I don't. And stop saying "Why not me?". It's funny....because a lot of people out there would probably look at my life and say to themselves "Why not me?". I guess the grass is always greener...
I just woke up in tears. And then the tears just kept coming.
I had a really bad dream that made me think about every single bad thing that has been done to me. As a result of thinking about that, a river fell from my eyes.
I try VERY hard in my everyday life NOT to think about all of that stuff. Why? Because it hurts. Am I "over" it? Yes. Have I forgiven? Yes. But it still hurts like crazy to sit around and think about how I felt during those times. Or to think about what was actually done to me. And the sheer number of times it was done. I don't think about it because I know it'll make me cry and put me in a bad mood.
But that dream left me no real choice this morning and I'm taking it hard. I don't want my day to be ruined by this...but it's one of those things that is extremely difficult to get off your mind once it's in there.
I'm not really sure how to remedy the situation. Is this what will happen every time I think about what happened? Will I go my entire life scared to death of thinking about it? I know I don't want to forget it (because ultimately it'll shape who I become), but I also don't really want to remember it. Does that make sense?
*sigh* I don't know. I just wanted to write...to vent...to let it all out. It helped. At least I'm not crying anymore. I'm gonna try to do damage control now and go think happy thoughts or something. And pray, of course.
Today I learned that I don't deal with disappointment well. At all. Even if it's a "tiny" disappointment, you know, the type that isn't really a big deal in the grand scheme of things? It's all the same to me. Disappointment is disappointment. I take it HARD.
I get sad and angry. And I usually don't wanna talk (rare for me). I treat it like I just lost my best friend or something.
I know why I react this way. I think it's because of how much I've been disappointed in the past. I pretty much want things to be perfect since I have had to deal with so much imperfection in the past.
I realize this is extremely unhealthy. Who hasn't had to deal with imperfection? Life is not and will never be perfect. People (including myself) are not and will never be perfect. There will always be disappointments. So I need to learn how to get through it without letting it break me.
I'm not really sure how to fix the problem right now, so I won't beat myself up over it. I'll just keep working on "me" in general, and maybe this will be resolved in the process.
Again, work is CRAZY right now. I'm really trying to stay positive about the whole thing, because at least I have work, right? But it's SOOOOOOOOOOO hard to keep a smile on my face all the time when I feel like I live at work.
I'm there early a lot of the time, which I actually don't have a problem with. But when I'm there early AND I'm there until almost 8pm? And THEN, I'm constantly checking my work e-mail when I'm at home and on the weekends. So it gets hard. And even when I'm off of work, it's hard to get out of that "gotta check my work e-mail" mentality. I'm gonna need to find a balance somewhere.
There's light at the end of the tunnel with this though. This is just a really busy time for us. Busy = good in the long run. Because that means more work (hopefully). Plus, it's nice when you work with really nice people. That makes it SO much better. I can't imagine working with jerks. Do you guys work with jerks?
So if you were wondering where I've been....more than likely, I'm at work lol.
Work has turned my life UPSIDE DOWN. So the next few weeks will be completely crazy & busy for me. I probably won't be posting much...
My mom is coming to visit from Labor Day (the 7th) to the 12th. That just so happens to be the week where I'll be the busiest at work and probably won't even be home much. She says she doesn't care though...so...it is what it is.
Family reunion from the 18th to the 20th in Richmond.
Lots of stuff going on.
But guess what? I'm actually good. Really good. Yes, I still have moments when I'm in one of my "moods", but it doesn't last too long. Church has helped TREMENDOUSLY. I've been 4 weeks in a row now...and have no intentions of stopping. Yay me!
So yeah...I'm enjoying the things going on in my life right now.
I need to start thinking about taking some vacation time though.
Sorry this was all over the place. Work has my brain scattered. I'll try to make it better next time lol.
4GB RAM 320GB Hard drive Free upgrade to Win.dows 7 when it comes out Office 2007 pre-installed 15 months free anti-virus software Built in webcam & mic (All computers have this now...I know. But I'm excited cuz my old laptop was OLD.) Wireless (old computer didn't even have this capability at all) Harman/Kardon audio (apparently, REALLY good speakers)
I haven't really had the chance to play around with it yet or anything. It's gonna take so long to put all my applications and stuff on it. Ugh. That's the bad part about getting a new computer. I'm happy I got it though!
I'm in a particularly bad mood for some reason. A really bad mood.
I just feel like things (my entire life) are in disarray and chaos. And I'm a super "organized" person, so I don't like that, especially when I don't really have a clue how to change anything.
I didn't really sleep much last night. I had wayyyyy too much on my mind. After I finally did fall asleep, I got two random phone calls at 4am, both from the same number. I assume it was the wrong number since they didn't say anything the first time and simply hung up the second time. So I just stayed up after that.
On top of all of that...work is a madhouse today.
So yeah. I'm sure I'll feel better later, but until then, people MIGHT wanna stay away from me today.
2008 George Mason University graduate...thrown into the real world (college is NOT the real world lol) and trying to find her way. SERIOUSLY goin' through that "quarter-life crisis". One of the few young, black females living in Northern, VA. Originally from Richmond, VA. Been through ALOT of painful stuff that hasn't brought about a good change in me. Here to change that.
