I really didn’t think I would reach this point. Maybe that was naïve of me. Maybe even stupid. For whatever reason, in the beginning, I thought everything would be perfect. I had all the hope in the world. Reality hit me in the face REAL quick though. Now…I’m not really sure what I have. I try to have the same hope I had before, but after a number of disappointments, my hope cup just isn’t full anymore.

I don’t know what to do. There haven’t been many times in my life when I’ve felt like that. I have no plan. I have no suggestions. I have no way of fixing it. It’s the first time in my life when I’ve been faced with a situation where my only option right now is to have blind faith. Faith that things will just, somehow (divine intervention?), work out. Faith in another person. Faith that I won’t be hurt. Faith that someone else really does love me and want to be with me forever. Faith that I’m not alone in this. Faith that someone else will be strong for me since I can’t be right now.

Love is an opportunity and a risk. When you decide to be in a relationship with someone, you know there’s a chance that things won’t work out for whatever reason. But you also know that there’s a chance that things will work out. I knew that when I decided to jump feet first (or is it head first? *shrugs*) into my relationship. So right now, I’m just hoping my blind faith kicks in in the next couple of days. And I’ll just try to plan for what I can and take everything else one day at a time.

3 things I’m thankful for today:

1. Getting to talk in the morning, during the day, and at night 
2. Health 
3. My foot starting to get better

Sometimes I wish I lived in a fairy tale. 

I really only take pictures of myself when I feel like my hair looks great, so here's one! Know what my favorite part of this picture is? That little curl hanging down lol. 

On days like today, when the weather is beautiful and all anyone wants to do is be out enjoying it with people they love and care about, I feel really alone....

My family isn't here.
My boyfriend isn't here.
I have a few really good friends here, but a lot of them are married or in relationships with people that are here that they spend time with....and even if they weren't, schoolwork takes up a lot of my weekend free time now...

I've come to the conclusion that this is simply how my life will be right now (lonely, somewhat stressful, and filled with pointless schoolwork that'll take up most of my time), so I need to find a way to deal with it in a positive way. I know it won't be like this forever, so I just need to try to make the best of it right now. I can't keep letting it get me down the way it does.

I'm not exactly sure what to do yet, but I'll figure it out. Maybe I'll use this time to really work on myself since that's pretty much all I have time to do anyway. *shrugs* I dunno.

3 things I'm thankful for today:

1. The gorgeous weather
2. Slowly working through some things on my to do list, namely schoolwork
3. Strength

This week has been….hard. And full of lots and lots of tears. So many tears that I feel almost numb now. The pain is still there. The thoughts are still there. I’m still scared of the future. My body just doesn’t have any more tears left to shed. I’m kind of in that “whatever” stage….where I stop fighting whatever bad thing is happening in my life and just accept it because there’s nothing I can do to change it. In some ways, that’s a good place to be in because at least it means I’m not worrying as much about the things that are out of my control. But it’s also bad in some ways because it can come across like I’m giving up.

I NEED something ridiculously good to happen to me.* I capitalized, bolded, and underlined “need” for a reason. We all want good things to happen to us, but there’s a difference between that feeling and needing it. I need it as some kind of sign…a sign that my life won’t end up being one big ball of disappointment…a sign that I should never give up on the things I want….a sign that I should be excited about the good things that will happen to me in the future.

That’s really all I wanted to say here right now. I’m not yet at the point where I can write about everything going on in my head. Hopefully soon.

*I realize that simply waking up every morning is a gift, so I don’t want anyone to think that I’m ungrateful and spoiled. I’m the farthest thing from that. I’m thankful for every day that I have…I just want things to be better, that’s all.

I feel so many things right now that I can’t think of a single word to describe it. I actually don’t even feel like I can write about it, so I’m not quite sure why I’m here writing. Maybe I’m hoping it’ll make me feel better or more secure or…something. The weird thing is that I could probably talk about it for hours…maybe not making any sense while I’m talking…but I would definitely feel better and more organized in my thoughts by the time I finished. But that’s not an option for me right now, so I’m writing.

If I were forced to sum up my feelings, I would say that at the core, it’s about wanting to fix A LOT of things in my life but feeling like I can’t fix them. I feel stuck. I don’t like feeling stuck. It makes me feel like I’m the passenger, not the driver, of my own life. I’m not good at sitting back and just letting things happen. Maybe that makes me a control freak. I don’t think so, though I can admit that there are times where I really do act like that. I think it makes me a go-getter that’s willing to work hard to get what she wants. It makes me a woman that’s trying to create her own happiness instead of letting it be dictated to her.

I want so many things for my life. I just don’t know how to get there. I wanted my 25th year on this Earth to be different from the past 4 or 5 years. I was SO incredibly unhappy during those years. I went through so many things that changed the way I look at life. I was hurt. I was a good person that was hurt. It made me feel like there was no reward in being a good person. I can look back now and realize that I was depressed. I wasn’t your “normal” depressed person because I could function. I could go out into the world, put a smile on my face, and make everyone think I was happy. I could take care of the things I needed to take care of. But I hated my life. I hated what had happened to me. I hated the people that did it to me. I had no self-esteem and I wanted to be ANYONE except for me. I felt like nobody loved or wanted me. So yeah…that’s why I wanted my 25th year to be different. It’s already different in a lot of ways (I don’t feel most of those negative feelings anymore), but it’s not where I want it to be….and that’s the issue.

I don’t think there’s any real conclusion to this post because I haven’t gone into specifics about my problems. I don’t know when I’ll be able to do that because I feel a little “closed” right now. I get like that when things are bothering me and I feel somewhat alone in having to deal with all of it. I think there’s value in simply defining the problem though. At least I feel like I know what it is now. That’s the first step in trying to fix it, right?

I’m still in the early part of my 25th year, so I still have time, and I hope that I can figure this out. I truly believe that I can’t completely sit back and let everything happen as if I’m a passenger in Tiffany’s life. I’m Tiffany, so I have to be the driver. Of course, I know that I can’t control everything and I’m not trying to. Trust me. That would be crazy. We plan and God laughs. However, I think that God blesses people that try to help themselves. So that’s all I’m trying to do….help myself get the things I want out of life – happiness, confidence, true and lasting love, a successful and fulfilling career, family, etc.

Long distance relationships are hard. Mine is no different I guess.

I’m trying to figure out what it is I need in order to be happy and continue to do my best to make this thing successful until we’re able to physically be near each other. I think I’ve come to a few conclusions:

• I need to feel important, special, like I’m #1, needed, loved, cared for, missed, appreciated, respected, etc. And I probably need to feel it way more than I would if we were in the same place. He can’t just kiss me or hug me or hold me or take me out, so it’ll take a lot of work and a little creativity to still make me (and him) feel all of those things. Sometimes I don’t feel like we do enough to compensate for the distance.

• Sidenote: I also need to feel “extra” of all of these things because I’m not used to feeling it and I want and deserve to. I wrote a post about this a few weeks ago, refusing to call myself needy because of this. I’m not needy. I just finally want what I should’ve had a long time ago. I’ve come a looooooooong way in terms of loving myself, and I promised myself that I would never feel bad again for wanting to be truly loved. 

• Trust is a huge issue in general for me. Add distance to that and we have an issue that has the potential to destroy what we have if we let it. I don't want to let it. If we could get this figured out, I’d probably be at least 70% more secure about our future.

• This isn’t anything either one of us can change right now, but I hate that we’re on different schedules. He works nights. I work days. That doesn’t really leave much time to talk…and talking is all we have right now. We used to have the webcam, but now we don’t even have that. All of that is just taking its toll on me.

• Maybe the biggest conclusion? I still want to be with him and I’m very committed to doing so. Regardless of all of this, I can’t help but think that something big and wonderful is right around the corner for us. We just have to be patient enough (and work hard enough at making the best of how things are right now) to see it. I mean…who ever thought we’d be where we are now? If someone had asked me one year ago if I thought I’d be in this relationship, I probably would’ve looked at them like they had two heads. But…here we are. That proves that anything can happen at any time. 

I’m not sure what I should make of all of this introspection. I think it’s a good thing because at least I know what I want out of a relationship. I just don’t know how to fix everything yet. And some of it isn’t even necessarily for me to fix, so I don’t have much say in that. *shrugs* I don’t know. At least I got the feelings out.

3 things I’m thankful for today:

1. Valentine’s weekend. CANNOT WAIT. 
2. My last full semester (I’ll have one more class to take over the summer) starts today. Can’t wait for it to be over. 
3. I think I’m learning how to pick myself up when I’m down and not rely SO much on other people.

3 things I'm thankful for today:

1. Motivation to keep my resolution to exercise at least 3 times per week, at least 30 minutes each time.
2. Speaking it into existence - a happy, successful, fun, positive life..complete with husband, kids, and all of that.
3. Feeling good today.

I try really hard not to show this to people, but the truth is that a lot of the time I feel really alone. Because most of the time...I really am alone. 

Throughout your life you will meet one person who is unlike any other. You could talk to this person for hours and never get bored, you could tell them anything and they wouldn't judge you. This person is your soulmate, your best friend. Forget the distance, or whatever is in your way, and don't let this person go.

~Unknown

3 things I'm thankful for today:

1. 3 day weekend!
2. That Den.ver/Pat.riots game tomorrow night. Go Te.bow!
3. Love

I feel like the past few years of my life have been stagnant. Year after year, things are primarily the same. Some people wouldn't see that as a bad thing, and I guess it really isn't in the grand scheme of things...because year after year, I still have a job. I still have my health. I still have a place to live and something to drive. I realize that by some standards, I have it "good". I'm very thankful for everything I have. Everything.

I don't want to seem like I'm complaining because I'm actually not this time. My struggle is that I have certain goals. I want certain things in life just like we all do. I had a plan for how my life was gonna go. Okay...maybe not a plan for all of it, but definitely a wish. Things haven't quite gone how I thought they would. I think I had this idealistic vision for my life (that some people, miraculously or maybe luckily, actually attain) - that I would find the perfect career for myself, make tons of money, fall in love with the perfect man for me, get married, have some babies, and live happily ever after riding off into the sunset**. Life doesn't happen like that for everyone. I get that. But I can't stop myself from wanting it. Does that make sense? I just don't know how to make all of it happen yet. Do I even keep chasing the dream or should I just be patient and see how things turn out? The Bi.ble says there's a season for everything...maybe this is supposed to be my "be tested, wait, and have faith" season? I don't know. I just know that I REALLY want some good things to start happening in my life to move it forward....to that next level...to that next chapter. I want my dream.

3 things I'm thankful for today:

1. The 2.5 weeks I have until school starts again.
2. Pris.on Break (I know I'm late, but I loooooove the show)
3. New season of Jer.sey Shore starts tonight!

**After rereading this sentence, I realized that I'm only 25 and that maybe that vision is still very much alive.

There have been a few times recently where, for a second, I thought I was acting a little....needy. I don't think being needy is necessarily a bad thing, as long as it doesn't happen all the time. Everybody has needy moments sometimes. 

National Harbor + Gay.lord Mada.gascar ICE!

I think I'm happy.

I've been so busy and overwhelmed lately that I haven't been able to sit down and put together coherent thoughts for this blog. I apologize to those that actually read, though that probably isn't that many people lol. I just wanted to give some updates on what's been going on with me.

Today was/is a rough one.

I feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to. I don’t mean about “normal” day-to-day stuff…the easy stuff. I’m talking about the deep stuff…the stuff that keeps me up at night…the stuff that has me fighting back tears the second I think about it.

I never let any of those feelings out, and I think it’s slowly having a bad effect on me. I’m always the one in a good mood, ready and willing to listen and help everyone else feel better. Even when I feel like crying, I try my best to put that aside to make other people feel better. I know it’s a good thing that I’m trying to help other people…but who will help me?

Sometimes…I just wanna cry on someone’s shoulder or ramble or vent for a good hour. Like right now. Sometimes…I just want somebody to hold me and tell me everything will be okay. I want soooooo bad to let all of these feelings out because they’re definitely ready to come out. I’m afraid that one day I’ll explode because I’ve been holding everything in for so long. That will NOT be pretty.

I guess that’s why I tend to write a lot more when I’m not in a good mood. It’s really the only avenue I feel like I have to talk about stuff like this. The blog doesn’t talk back though. It doesn’t love me. It doesn’t hold me. It doesn’t make me feel better about the future. I guess it’s better than holding everything in though…so…here I am.

3 things I’m thankful for today:

1. Halloween candy at work 
2. Nice weather today 
3. Hope

I’ve been really quiet today. I get that way when I have a lot on my mind or when I’m hurt, mad, sad, confused, or frustrated. I never used to be that way. If anything, a few years ago I talked more when I wasn’t feeling good. Nothing could’ve stopped me from speaking my mind and letting everyone else know how I felt. I’m not exactly sure when, why, or how I changed…but I definitely changed. I haven’t figured out yet if it’s a good change or a bad one. I think it’s probably a mixture of both. It’s good because I think a little more before I speak, which limits some of the crazy stuff that comes out when you’re strictly acting on emotion. But it’s bad because it basically means I don’t talk about my feelings at all until they are literally eating away at me.

I think I’m this way because I don’t feel comfortable expressing my feelings anymore. I’m always afraid of….something. I don’t really know what. Maybe that the other person will think I’m being ridiculous and abandon me? Maybe because I don’t like tension or arguments? *shrugs* Probably a mixture of a lot of things. Somehow, I need to start not caring what other people think. As long as I’m not purposely hurting anybody, I should be able to say exactly how I feel whenever I feel like saying it. Yet another thing I need to work on…

3 things I’m thankful for today:

1. Sleep – I haven’t been getting any, so I’ll be thankful once a day comes that I’ll be able to. 
2. Music – It ALWAYS helps me feel better. It doesn’t solve any problems, but it at least calms me down. 
3. Sleep – Saying it twice because I miss it THAT much.

3 things I'm thankful for today:

1. The amazing time I had on the cruise this weekend.
2. Thankful in advance for however I'm gonna pull off studying for this quiz tomorrow.
3. Pina Coladas!

Follow-up post with details to come. Just wanted to post the pics for now :-).