GROWING Pains

Far Away

2012-01-24T10:08:00.001-05:00

Long distance relationships are hard. Mine is no different I guess.

I’m trying to figure out what it is I need in order to be happy and continue to do my best to make this thing successful until we’re able to physically be near each other. I think I’ve come to a few conclusions:

I need to feel important, special, like I’m #1, needed, loved, cared for, missed, appreciated, respected, etc. And I probably need to feel it way more than I would if we were in the same place. He can’t just kiss me or hug me or hold me or take me out, so it’ll take a lot of work and a little creativity to still make me (and him) feel all of those things. Sometimes I don’t feel like we do enough to compensate for the distance.

Sidenote: I also need to feel “extra” of all of these things because I’m not used to feeling it and I want and deserve to. I wrote a post about this a few weeks ago, refusing to call myself needy because of this. I’m not needy. I just finally want what I should’ve had a long time ago. I’ve come a looooooooong way in terms of loving myself, and I promised myself that I would never feel bad again for wanting to be truly loved.

Trust is a huge issue in general for me. Add distance to that and we have an issue that has the potential to destroy what we have if we let it. I don't want to let it. If we could get this figured out, I’d probably be at least 70% more secure about our future.

This isn’t anything either one of us can change right now, but I hate that we’re on different schedules. He works nights. I work days. That doesn’t really leave much time to talk…and talking is all we have right now. We used to have the webcam, but now we don’t even have that. All of that is just taking its toll on me.

Maybe the biggest conclusion? I still want to be with him and I’m very committed to doing so. Regardless of all of this, I can’t help but think that something big and wonderful is right around the corner for us. We just have to be patient enough (and work hard enough at making the best of how things are right now) to see it. I mean…who ever thought we’d be where we are now? If someone had asked me one year ago if I thought I’d be in this relationship, I probably would’ve looked at them like they had two heads. But…here we are. That proves that anything can happen at any time.

I’m not sure what I should make of all of this introspection. I think it’s a good thing because at least I know what I want out of a relationship. I just don’t know how to fix everything yet. And some of it isn’t even necessarily for me to fix, so I don’t have much say in that. *shrugs* I don’t know. At least I got the feelings out.

3 things I’m thankful for today:

Valentine’s weekend. CANNOT WAIT.
My last full semester (I’ll have one more class to take over the summer) starts today. Can’t wait for it to be over.
I think I’m learning how to pick myself up when I’m down and not rely SO much on other people.

Taken

2012-01-17T17:57:00.005-05:00

3 things I'm thankful for today:

Motivation to keep my resolution to exercise at least 3 times per week, at least 30 minutes each time.
Speaking it into existence - a happy, successful, fun, positive life..complete with husband, kids, and all of that.
Feeling good today.

The Truth

2012-01-14T20:53:00.000-05:00

I try really hard not to show this to people, but the truth is that a lot of the time I feel really alone. Because most of the time...I really am alone.

I have no family here.

My man is in a different state.

My two best friends, my GIRLS that I was SUPER close to in college, are now in different states.

And I don't have what I'd call "real" friends here. Well...I take that back. There are a few people I'd consider real friends. They just aren't really the type of friends I could necessarily hang out with all the time or on weekends or anything. The majority of them are either married or in very serious relationships and about to be married. So they're with their significant others. They do things with other couples. They're not the type of friends that I could call "my girls", you know?

I realize now that it's partially my fault for not attempting to make real friends. It isn't like I haven't had the chance. I'm in grad school. I could volunteer. I could (and need to) join a church and go consistently. There are a ton of meet.up groups I could join and actually participate in. In my defense though, I wasn't really in a good state of mind for a good 2.5 - 3 years after I graduated. Bad shit happened to me that changed me from the confident, outgoing person that I used to be into someone that was depressed and insecure. I think I lost all of my confidence...not just in relationship situations with men, but with everyone. I didn't think I was worth anything because it seemed like nobody wanted me. I don't even know that I had the ability to really make friends during that time. I was too...distant from the world. My ex boyfriend was in and out of my life, wreaking havoc in it. I cried all the time. I hated the world because I thought it hated me. School and work took up a lot of my time. So I just...shut it all out. I just got used to being alone. I remember thinking once that maybe that's just how my life would be...and I think I accepted it. I accepted the fact that my life wouldn't be the dream that I had always wanted.

I don't really know why I'm writing this....except that I'm just tired of hiding it. I'm tired of acting like I don't care that I'm alone. I care. And it hurts sometimes. This is me. As sad as it may be right now, it's me and it's my life. But there's no real conclusion to this post. I just wanted to get it out. I want to change things. I think I'm ready to change things. My confidence is slowly coming back and I think I'm finally ready to change my life and at least try to make it what I want it to be.

How I Know

2012-01-13T19:38:00.000-05:00

Throughout your life you will meet one person who is unlike any other. You could talk to this person for hours and never get bored, you could tell them anything and they wouldn't judge you. This person is your soulmate, your best friend. Forget the distance, or whatever is in your way, and don't let this person go.

~Unknown

3 things I'm thankful for today:

3 day weekend!
That Den.ver/Pat.riots game tomorrow night. Go Te.bow!
Love

A Change

2012-01-05T21:02:00.000-05:00

I feel like the past few years of my life have been stagnant. Year after year, things are primarily the same. Some people wouldn't see that as a bad thing, and I guess it really isn't in the grand scheme of things...because year after year, I still have a job. I still have my health. I still have a place to live and something to drive. I realize that by some standards, I have it "good". I'm very thankful for everything I have. Everything.

I don't want to seem like I'm complaining because I'm actually not this time. My struggle is that I have certain goals. I want certain things in life just like we all do. I had a plan for how my life was gonna go. Okay...maybe not a plan for all of it, but definitely a wish. Things haven't quite gone how I thought they would. I think I had this idealistic vision for my life (that some people, miraculously or maybe luckily, actually attain) - that I would find the perfect career for myself, make tons of money, fall in love with the perfect man for me, get married, have some babies, and live happily ever after riding off into the sunset**. Life doesn't happen like that for everyone. I get that. But I can't stop myself from wanting it. Does that make sense? I just don't know how to make all of it happen yet. Do I even keep chasing the dream or should I just be patient and see how things turn out? The Bi.ble says there's a season for everything...maybe this is supposed to be my "be tested, wait, and have faith" season? I don't know. I just know that I REALLY want some good things to start happening in my life to move it forward....to that next level...to that next chapter. I want my dream.

3 things I'm thankful for today:

The 2.5 weeks I have until school starts again.
Pris.on Break (I know I'm late, but I loooooove the show)
New season of Jer.sey Shore starts tonight!

**After rereading this sentence, I realized that I'm only 25 and that maybe that vision is still very much alive.

Needy?

2011-12-27T20:11:00.001-05:00

There have been a few times recently where, for a second, I thought I was acting a little....needy. I don't think being needy is necessarily a bad thing, as long as it doesn't happen all the time. Everybody has needy moments sometimes.

I think "needy" is the wrong word for what I've been feeling though. I don't know what the right word is, but I think that maybe I've just been "wanting".

If you read my blog before I remodeled and started all over again, you know the stories about my past relationships, how horrible they were, and how horribly they ended. Because of all of that, I now want something completely different....and I want the chance to feel....pursued/wanted/adored/all of those other nice things that people like to feel. I've never really had a man pursue me. I guess I never required a man to pursue me. Any situation I was in kind of just...happened. The man didn't have to work for my love or care. Didn't have to be there for me. Didn't have to be interested in what was going on in my life. Didn't have to take me out. Didn't have to ask me out on dates. Didn't have to plan dates. Didn't have to really do anything. And I still gave 150% of myself.

So yeah...I wanna be pursued. And I don't feel bad for feeling that way (though I did at first). Given what I've experienced and how caring and loving I am, I think I deserve to be pursued. I deserve to feel good. I know that whole "honeymoon phase" doesn't last forever. Trust me...I get that. I don't expect it to last forever because relationships go through phases and grow and change. The love deepens and you start to show your love for each other in different ways than you did in the beginning. But since I've never experienced a honeymoon phase....I wanna experience it at least once.

And it's not AT ALL about money. It actually has nothing to do with that. It's all about me feeling like the other person loves, wants, and appreciates me. Most times (not saying I don't like a good diamond or something lol), I actually prefer a sentimental gift (cooking dinner, a bath and a massage, personal cards, being interested in something I'm interested in, watching a lifetime movie with me, surprising me, helping me with chores, etc.) over something really expensive. More thought goes into that and it generally means more to me.

So yeah...I've decided that I'm not a needy person (though I have those moments just like anyone else). I just want to experience something I've never had the chance to experience before.

3 things I'm thankful for today:

A good Christmas with family.
Having today off.
I'm declaring it and speaking it into existence - a Cow.boys win over the Gi.ants on Sunday!

Lots O' Pics

2011-12-17T20:32:00.000-05:00

National Harbor + Gay.lord Mada.gascar ICE!

Birthday surprise from the Parents

Company Banquet

I want so bad to post the other picture of me and my date....but I'll ask him first if he's okay with that. I looked cute though!

I'm Good

2011-12-10T14:16:00.001-05:00

I think I'm happy.

I only say "think" because I don't really remember exactly what it's like to be happy...but I feel like this is it..or close to it. And I'm usually hesitant to say it out loud because then I feel like it'll be taken away from me somehow...but...I'm saying it. I understand that life happens and we never know what may happen from one moment to the next, but right now...I feel happy. And I'm just gonna enjoy it while it's here.

School is over for this semester. THANK GOODNESS. I already know I got an A in one of the classes. We'll see about the other one. But this means that I have free time for the next 7 weeks. I'm so blown away by this that I literally don't know what to do with myself lol.

Last weekend was THE shit. The banquet was perfect. My date was perfect. I think we might be dating?

Work....is work, but that's okay. Things are still a little up in the air with the acquisition and everything, but hopefully we start finding out things after the first of the year.

The holidays are here. It doesn't really feel like it to me this year, but I still think it's a great time of year.

Oh...my hair looked FANTASTIC last weekend! I'm REALLY happy about that lol.

3 things I'm thankful for today:

I'm alive and well. Just celebrated my 25th!
Love, love, and more love
The fact that I'm growing up and changing (in a good way)

Updates

2011-11-20T19:20:00.001-05:00

I've been so busy and overwhelmed lately that I haven't been able to sit down and put together coherent thoughts for this blog. I apologize to those that actually read, though that probably isn't that many people lol. I just wanted to give some updates on what's been going on with me.

Exercise - Still going strong with the Zumba. I'm actually very proud of myself. I haven't gotten on the scale though...and probably won't since it'll probably make me depressed lol. The scale doesn't usually change quickly, so I'll just go by how I feel. And exercise is making me feel good.
School - I hate it. I can't wait to be done. That's it.
Work - I got an award at our trade show last week. That's about the only good thing I can say about work. I guess it's going okay...just a lot of changes going on. The annual banquet is on December 3rd, and I'm really excited about that since it'll probably be our last one. Anddddd....I actually have a date for it this time.
Family - The same I guess. My parents are coming up here for Thanksgiving. I think I'm looking forward to it. My mom has been annoying me more than usually lately, though I'd never tell her that. She just calls SO much. I wish she'd consolidate the 4 calls a day into one, ya know?
Personal ish - I don't really know what to say about this one lol. I always have some kind of issue/s that I'm dealing with. Let's see...what are they this week? Being afraid. Letting go. Trying to figure out how to deal with the fact that the future is unknown. Lack of confidence. Lack of security. Wondering if I'm opening up too much. Being afraid again.

I think that's it....my life is so boring lol. Anyway, I'll try to keep up with writing again, but I can't make any promises.

3 things I'm thankful for:

FINALLY starting to transfer all of my music to my iPod and a backup hard drive. It'll still take me a REALLY long time to finish though, but at least I've started.
Music
The Dal.las Cow.boys!!!!!!! We beat the Red.skins today!!!

Rough Day...

2011-11-11T22:44:00.001-05:00

Today was/is a rough one.

Waited 3 hours for my car to be fixed this morning and had to pay $380 for it.
Got to work way later than I expected to, so I didn't accomplish everything I needed to accomplish
I have a stupid group member in one of my classes. She's holding up work that could be done right now.
The second I went to plug my iPod into my computer, it...I don't know what to call it...broke? It just stopped working for no reason. It froze and wouldn't do anything. So I had to reset it, which erases the hard drive. Yeah...all that music I had already uploaded from the previous mp3 player and new music...gone. And no, I didn't have it all still on the computer. So I just spent the last couple of hours putting music back on the iPod and making sure I backed up whatever I had on my external hard drive. I only made it through the A's w/ some other random music that I absolutely needed to have on there. I have soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much more to go.

Needless to say, I'm not in that great of a mood right now. The only thing I could think of to do was write...because I don't have anybody to talk to about any of this right now. I wanna cry...out of frustration maybe? But I'm holding the tears back. I take that back...they just fell. Ugh. I'm going to bed.

3 things I'm thankful for today:

Even though my iPod was erased, at least I still have all of the music to put back on it.
The award I got yesterday.
Making it through a week I thought I wouldn't make it through.

Let It Out

2011-11-01T16:44:00.001-04:00

I feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to. I don’t mean about “normal” day-to-day stuff…the easy stuff. I’m talking about the deep stuff…the stuff that keeps me up at night…the stuff that has me fighting back tears the second I think about it.

I never let any of those feelings out, and I think it’s slowly having a bad effect on me. I’m always the one in a good mood, ready and willing to listen and help everyone else feel better. Even when I feel like crying, I try my best to put that aside to make other people feel better. I know it’s a good thing that I’m trying to help other people…but who will help me?

Sometimes…I just wanna cry on someone’s shoulder or ramble or vent for a good hour. Like right now. Sometimes…I just want somebody to hold me and tell me everything will be okay. I want soooooo bad to let all of these feelings out because they’re definitely ready to come out. I’m afraid that one day I’ll explode because I’ve been holding everything in for so long. That will NOT be pretty.

I guess that’s why I tend to write a lot more when I’m not in a good mood. It’s really the only avenue I feel like I have to talk about stuff like this. The blog doesn’t talk back though. It doesn’t love me. It doesn’t hold me. It doesn’t make me feel better about the future. I guess it’s better than holding everything in though…so…here I am.

3 things I’m thankful for today:

Halloween candy at work
Nice weather today
Hope

Quiet

2011-10-27T14:56:00.001-04:00

I’ve been really quiet today. I get that way when I have a lot on my mind or when I’m hurt, mad, sad, confused, or frustrated. I never used to be that way. If anything, a few years ago I talked more when I wasn’t feeling good. Nothing could’ve stopped me from speaking my mind and letting everyone else know how I felt. I’m not exactly sure when, why, or how I changed…but I definitely changed. I haven’t figured out yet if it’s a good change or a bad one. I think it’s probably a mixture of both. It’s good because I think a little more before I speak, which limits some of the crazy stuff that comes out when you’re strictly acting on emotion. But it’s bad because it basically means I don’t talk about my feelings at all until they are literally eating away at me.

I think I’m this way because I don’t feel comfortable expressing my feelings anymore. I’m always afraid of….something. I don’t really know what. Maybe that the other person will think I’m being ridiculous and abandon me? Maybe because I don’t like tension or arguments? *shrugs* Probably a mixture of a lot of things. Somehow, I need to start not caring what other people think. As long as I’m not purposely hurting anybody, I should be able to say exactly how I feel whenever I feel like saying it. Yet another thing I need to work on…

3 things I’m thankful for today:

Sleep – I haven’t been getting any, so I’ll be thankful once a day comes that I’ll be able to.
Music – It ALWAYS helps me feel better. It doesn’t solve any problems, but it at least calms me down.
Sleep – Saying it twice because I miss it THAT much.

Jealousy?/Independent Black Women

2011-10-26T17:23:00.001-04:00

3 things I'm thankful for today:

The amazing time I had on the cruise this weekend.
Thankful in advance for however I'm gonna pull off studying for this quiz tomorrow.
Pina Coladas!

Cruisin' 2011

2011-10-24T18:33:00.000-04:00

Follow-up post with details to come. Just wanted to post the pics for now :-).

Cruisin'

2011-10-18T20:21:00.000-04:00

Goin' Hard

2011-10-16T20:57:00.000-04:00

I've been goin' HARD with the Zum.ba! I'm so proud of myself. I sweat like crazy when I do it, so hopefully that'll actually show on the scale soon. I have some favorite moves...the booty roll and destroza (another booty shaking move). I basically love any move where I get to shake my booty lol.

That's really all I wanted to say lol.

FYI - I'm well aware that I missed a video last week lol. I'll just have to double up this week before my cruiseeeeeeeeee.

3 things I'm thankful for today:

My mom annoys me to NO END with the way she calls me multiple times a day...and I don't mean just twice. But I'm thankful for her anyway...because she's always been there for me and will always be there for me, even when nobody else is.
Being incredibly productive today.
Birthday coming up!

One of Those Days

2011-10-13T10:10:00.000-04:00

I can already tell that it’s gonna be one of those days…

I don’t feel cute today AT ALL, so that got my day off to a really bad start. It’s one of those days where you look in the mirror and wonder what happened to how you looked yesterday. And you wonder why none of your clothes look right on you all of a sudden. Obviously, I haven’t changed from yesterday to today, so I know it’s all in my head…but still…I feel ugly today. Maybe it’s just a girl thing. I don’t know.

It’s raining and dark outside, and it’s supposed to be that way all day.

I have class. I have to walk all the way across campus and back in the rain. Enough said.

This guy at work is ANNOYING THE SHIT OUT OF ME (that’s me screaming). He did the same thing yesterday. And the day before.

I think I did something to my foot. It’s been hurting for two days now.

Sigh.

3 things I’m thankful for today:

I can’t wait for my company’s banquet this year. Less than 2 months away!
Music
New shoes! They are orgasmic in person!!!

Alone

2011-10-09T18:55:00.001-04:00

Even though I'm not, I feel alone sometimes. It's a weird feeling...to actually have friends and family and people in your life and still feel alone.

I feel this way partially because of some weird (for lack of a better word) situations I've been in...where people are sort of in, but not really IN in my life. It makes me feel like I sort of have somebody there for me...but sort of don't? I don't know how to explain that very well.

For the most part, I think I just feel like nobody understands me. Because of that, I don't really ever express what I might be feeling. I just keep it all inside because I feel like nobody will understand anyway...or I feel like somebody will think I'm wrong or stupid for feeling the way I feel. That's probably the wrong way to handle the situation, but it's all I have the energy for right now. I don't have the energy to try to make someone understand or to get in arguments and cause drama and awkwardness and tension. It almost seems easier to just never say anything.

I know it isn't really easier though...maybe for everybody else, but not for me. It eats me up inside. I don't know what to do though. I just try to keep a positive attitude most of the time. They say "fake it 'til you make it", right? That's what I try to do sometimes. It'll work for certain situations, but not for all of them. Some stuff is so deep that you can't just pretend it doesn't exist. *sigh* I don't know...I guess I'll just keep working on myself as much as I can. That's really all I can do.

3 things I'm thankful for today:

Great day yesterday with my mom.
GORGEOUS weather.
Being off tomorrow and almost done with my paper.

Stressed

2011-10-02T17:25:00.000-04:00

3 things I'm thankful for today:

I finished one paper yesterday. One more to go.
Fall - I think it's a beautiful season.
Finally (hopefully - only time will tell!) getting the hang of this natural hair thing.

2 months

2011-09-29T11:22:00.003-04:00

In a little over two months, I’ll be 25 years old. I know turning 25 probably isn’t significant to most people, but for some reason, I feel like it’s a milestone.

It represents a lot to me:

A new beginning/fresh start – If you read even a little bit of my blog before I deleted most of the posts, you know that the last few years haven’t been the greatest for me in terms of my personal life. It has been a nightmare actually…and nothing like I ever thought it would be. I want my 25th year on this earth to be significantly better. I want it to be the start of a better life. I know I’ll still have issues…that’s just life…but I’m still hoping things turn around for me in terms of family, relationships, men, friendships, self-esteem, weight loss, fear, etc. I want to experience genuine happiness (long-term) again.
Getting my ass in gear – Not that I’m a slacker or anything (because I’ve done pretty well for a 24 year-old), but turning 25 is making me REALLY plan out how to reach my goals. Since there are only 5 years until 30 (and I’d like to have a family and a baby by 30…hopefully the stars will align on that one), I have to get moving. I need to solidify my career, finish my Master’s, make & subsequently save more money, possibly think about getting a house somewhere, move to a different state if that’s what I really wanna do (and I’m pretty sure I do), lose weight, etc.
This isn’t really important, but I just like the “roundness” of the number 25 lol.

I hope I have a great birthday. I don’t know what will happen, or if anything will happen at all, but I’m looking forward to it either way.

3 things I’m thankful for today:

No class tonight! Professor is out of town or something.
Cruise coming up in less than a month!
Friends – I used to think it was a good thing to be able to say you had tons and tons of friends. I feel different about that now. I can count the number of real friends I have on two hands, but the quality of those few? Amazing. I love them.

Peaceful

2011-09-25T11:19:00.000-04:00

Morning is my favorite time of the day because it's usually really quiet and I feel completely peaceful. My mind isn't racing, I'm not worried about anything, and I feel like I'm ready to conquer the day. That's how I feel right now. Peaceful.

I usually feel peaceful really late at night too...when I'm just laying in bed thinking about things. It's when I do some of my best thinking. I did it last night even though it was SUPER late when I finally went to sleep. But I needed to do it. It's a part of the reason why I'm not sad or mad or frustrated or confused or worried this morning.

I feel like I've made some decisions about certain things, and I feel good about those decisions. I'm not gonna question or doubt them. I'm just gonna trust myself and trust that I've made the right decision. If it ends up backfiring...that's just life I guess and I'll deal with it if I have to. But I won't think about that right now. I'm choosing to have a positive attitude and hope for the best. What is supposed to happen will happen.

3 things I'm thankful for today:

Apparently, I'll be an aunt (my stepsister is pregnant), so I'm trying to be thankful and focus on that part of it instead of focusing on the fact that she's 23 and not exactly "established" and the guy is 34 with no job.
The jeans I bought yesterday...they make my legs and ass look amazinggggg.
Bananas and peanut butter (my favorite snack)

Introspection

2011-09-23T16:04:00.000-04:00

For some reason, I have this overwhelming feeling today that I’m not good enough. For what or who exactly? I don’t know. Maybe everything and everybody. Maybe just myself. I know in my head that it isn’t true, but my heart feels something different right now.

I always feel a need to…what’s the right word/phrase…overcompensate? Be perfect? I never tell anybody this, but I feel and act that way because I’m somehow trying to stop something bad (something that only exists in my head right now) from happening. It’s like…if I can just make other people think I’m perfect and do everything right…nobody will ever hurt me. I’m not stupid, so I realize how ridiculous that is. One, I’m far from perfect and will never be perfect, and that’s perfectly okay. Two, I can’t blame myself for somebody else’s actions. It has nothing to do with me and it doesn’t mean that I wasn’t good enough.

I don’t feel this way NEARLY as much as I used to, so I guess I’ve gotten a little better. It’s still tough though because I’m always waiting for the shit to hit the fan, you know? Because that’s ALWAYS what has happened to me. I’ve never experienced things just being good for any extended period of time without anything catastrophic happening. I know I just need to learn to relax and go with the flow. That’s really hard for me though…but I’m always working on it. I’m definitely a work in progress.

I’ve also noticed that if I start to get too “open”, I immediately feel like taking back what I said or did and retreating. Being vulnerable makes me feel weird...I guess because it requires me to open up and actually put my heart out there. I don’t want it to make me feel weird, but it does. I don’t want to take that with me into the next relationship I have. You have to be able to be vulnerable in order to let your guard down enough to be in a relationship with someone.

Now that I’ve been writing for a few minutes, I have no idea why I actually decided to write this or where I wanted to go with it. *shrugs* I guess I’ve just been feeling introspective lately. Ultimately, I think it’s a good thing that I let all of this stuff out and “analyze” myself and my feelings. I think it’ll help me. It certainly can’t hurt.

3 things I’m thankful for today:

Lemon pound cake from Star.bucks. Yum!
My Zum.ba fitness DVDs that I’m gonna try out for the first time in a few minutes.
Getting off at 3:30 today

Fighting the Power!

2011-09-20T18:22:00.000-04:00

3 things I'm thankful for today:

Looking cute in the video lol.
Being blessed, no matter what "bad" things happen.
I figured out what I'm gonna write about for my two papers due next week.

First Relationship Post

2011-09-19T19:17:00.002-04:00

I usually don't write anything extensive about relationships because it isn't exactly my favorite topic. Far from it actually. I don't have many (if any) good experiences to draw from, so I try to keep myself from going down that road. I take that back...I've had good experiences, just never good relationships. I can't say there were never good moments...but what I can say is that eventually, the bad moments wayyyyyy overshadowed the good. In some situations, I even find it hard to remember any of the good moments. Anyway, I'm writing about relationships today. Why? *shrugs* All of this has been weighing on my mind for a while now...and I want to get it out. I already know I'll cry while I'm writing this, but...maybe I need to.

I realized over the past week or so that I have no idea what it feels like to be in a "good" relationship. No clue. I don't know what it feels like to not have to worry all the time. I don't know what it feels like to wake up every single day and just know that the other person loves you...to not even doubt that for a second. I don't know what it feels like to know that someone won't hurt me. I don't know what it feels like to be a priority. I don't know what it feels like to really be wanted...not just in a physical way...but in an "I want her to be mine forever and I'll do whatever it takes to make that happen" kind of way. I could go on, but I won't.

My experiences have been the opposite. Anxiety and worry have become my best friends over the past few (5 or so) years. I'm used to worrying about whether or not the other person loves me. I'm used to wondering whether or not they cheated on me last night. I'm used to always wondering if they're lying...about any and everything. I'm used to begging (yes, begging...I can admit that I was quite pathetic at one point in my life) for simple things that the other person knew would make me happy because they just didn't seem to care enough to do any of them. I'm used to always thinking that tomorrow will be the day....the day that they disappear...like I never even existed. That has happened to me so many times that abandonment (and not death) is now my biggest fear. I'm used to feeling like I'm not good enough...like somehow, if I were prettier or smaller or nicer or [insert any comparative adjective here], they would've stayed.

I don't say all of that to make anybody feel sorry for me. I'm just telling the truth. And the point of it all is that I now know what I don't want...I don't want to feel any of those things ever (EVER) again. I want a relationship that uplifts me and makes me feel like there will always be someone there to love me, no matter what. I don't want to have to worry. I don't want to have to beg. Sometimes...I don't want to have to plan anything. I want to just sit back and relax, something I'm not used to doing. I want a relationship that makes me a better me. I want to know that there's always somebody that thinks I'm the shit (that's a good thing...it doesn't actually mean "shit"). I want a relationship that makes me happy and that lasts. I want a relationship that makes all those bad experiences and memories fade away...

3 things I'm thankful for today:

The day that I get my upstairs neighbors kicked out (it hasn't come yet, but it will). Is that a bad thing to be thankful for?
I only cried a little bit while writing this.
The free carpet cleaning I got last week from my apartment complex (they gave it to me because I've been a low-maintenance tenant for the past 3+ years)

At Work Randoms

2011-09-14T11:26:00.003-04:00

- I sort of have a headache. I think it's either because I'm hungry (I didn't eat breakfast this morning) or from staring at the computer screen.

- I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO glad I don't have class tonight. I usually would, but the professor will be out of town, so we don't have to go. Yay!

- Blah @ me having class tomorrow night though. And guess what usually happens on Thursday nights when I have to walk allllll the way across campus to my class? Yep. They're calling for rain again.

- My job seems to get crazier and crazier (and therefore more busy and stressful) by the day.

- I've decided to make more vlogs (video blogs, right?). Maybe I'll do one every Friday or something.

- I wanna do something special for New Year's this year. Actually, I'd like the entire holiday season to be special. It usually isn't, so I'd like to go all out for once. Especially since I'll be 25!!!!

- Speaking of 25...I'm excited for my birthday, but not excited. I think I'll be slightly disappointed if it's boring or if nothing special happens. That weekend (or the weekend immediately before) is usually the weekend of my company's awards banquet, so I guess that'll be fun. I'd like to have a real date this time though.

- My manager is not a manager.

- Regardless of how stressed out and overwhelmed I am right now, I'm happy for some reason.

- The headache is making my eyes weird...like I can't focus or something, so I'm gonna stop writing.

3 things I'm thankful for today:

Sleep, because I haven't been getting any lately lol. So I'm more thankful for it than ever.
Compliments :-).
The Bayer that I'm about to take to get rid of this headache.

Videooooo

2011-09-12T19:54:00.000-04:00

Sorry if it's too low...and that my head is big lol. *Update* It might take about 10 seconds for the video to start playing. I didn't have any issues with it yesterday, but today there's a delay.

Whatever

2011-09-11T23:45:00.000-04:00

Horrible day. Horrible night. Cow.boys lost on top of that.

I can't even do my "thankfuls" tonight because I can't think straight. I'll just do double next time or something. I don't know. Whatever.

Freestylin' It

2011-09-10T11:23:00.001-04:00

I just wanted to write with no particular subject or thought in mind. A stream of consciousness kind of thing. Just write whatever I'm thinking or feeling as I'm typing. So here goes.

I watched some program last night about 9/11 and it made me decide not to watch any more of that stuff. I started crying and it was just incredibly sad. Death is already a touchy subject for me (most times I refuse to think about it or talk about it), so just imagining how the people in the buildings felt...watching a plane come at them...or knowing that they couldn't get out. It's just too much for me. I'm actually gonna stop writing about it because I'm getting sad all over again. I didn't do much of anything else last night because I had the most horrible headache ever. Sometimes I feel boring for not doing "stuff" on Friday or Saturday nights, but then I stop myself from feeling that way because I realize that I don't have to fit into some stereotype of a typical 24 year old. If I have something to do (like Julie's pool party this evening/night), great. If I don't, that's great too. I haven't ever been the party or club type, and I'm not gonna start now. It is what it is. Like it or leave it. I'm finally tired of trying to be someone else. I like this new attitude of mine. I'm more confident in my own skin. Not that I don't have my insecure or depressing moments though. But I get through them. I'm a work in progress, and I can tell that I'm slowly becoming a better person, so that makes me feel good. Football is back!!! I'm so excited! I don't have high hopes for my Cowboys this season though. Is that bad? *shrugs* I still love them, but I have to be realistic lol. I love football in general though, so I'm just happy that the season is back period. That means it's time for junk food and alcohol on Sundays. Yay! Speaking of Sundays (weird that I'd say this right after I finish talking about alcohol lol), I really need to start going back to church. I miss it. I read at least one verse from the Bible every day, but I feel like that's not enough. Plus, church just made me feel good. I used to feel so...balanced and peaceful after church on Sundays. Then I'd come home and watch football and all seemed right in the world lol. I think I'm supposed to bring a beverage or wine to the pool party later, but I have no idea what to bring. I also have no idea what to wear (I don't swim, so the swimsuit idea is out lol). I should probably start thinking about it now since it takes me so long to choose. I'm so indecisive. I take that back. My indecisiveness only comes up when I have too many choices lol. If I only have like...3 choices, I can pick something in a second. So maybe I'm not really indecisive? I don't know. I think I'm ready for a relationship. I know for a fact I want one. I've wanted one for a long time, but I knew that I needed to be ready...not just want it. So yeah, I'm finally ready. I don't know what else to write lol, so I'm done!

3 things I'm thankful for today:

Going to Julie's pool party/BBQ later. It'll be fun!
The sunshine! It was literally raining here for an entire week.
My horrible headache is gone.

The Little Things

2011-09-07T21:42:00.002-04:00

I try really hard not to think about relationship "stuff". Why? Because I'm not in one. I haven't been in one (a real one at least) in a very long time. So most of the time, I don't torture myself and play the "I wish" game (except I did in a post the other day) because a relationship will come when it's supposed to come. I'm gonna play it right now though...because it's what I'm feeling, so I'm just gonna go with it.

There is nothing more that I wanted a few minutes ago than to come home and have someone be worried about me driving home from class in the pouring rain tonight...or ask me how class was....or how my day was. With me, it's about the little things like that...and I miss them. Terribly.

3 things I'm thankful for today:

That I made it home safely in the rain and with traffic.
Another good hair day.
The strength that I sometimes don't think I have.

Screaming

2011-09-06T10:50:00.001-04:00

I wrote this a while ago (maybe a month or two?), but never had the nerve to actually post it or share it with anyone. I am by no means a poet or writer of ANY kind, but I felt something...and this is how it came out...

I want to scream, but my voice is trapped.

Trapped deep enough that I don’t know where it is or how to get to it.

I’m screaming on the inside though…at the top of my lungs. I’m screaming.

I’m screaming that I’m scared. And tired. And confused. And hurt. And NOT okay. And that I don’t understand why either one of you would…

Can’t you hear me? Why can’t you hear me?

Because I’m silent.

I will find my voice. Soon. Now.

Then I can scream. I WILL scream.

No…then I will talk, because I won’t have to scream.

And you will listen.

3 things I'm thankful for today:

The nerve to post what I wrote.
My hair is looking quite nice today. I'm not sure what I did different yesterday, but hopefully I can recreate it in two weeks when I wash/do my hair again.
Julie's pool party this weekend!

Wishing

2011-09-05T13:39:00.000-04:00

I wish...

...things were different.
...we lived much closer.
...I knew how it felt.
...you understood me.
...I was done with school already.
...I was rich ($$$).
...my family wasn't as dysfunctional as it is.
...my grandma was still alive. I didn't get enough time with her.
...I was more motivated sometimes.
...somebody...anybody...would spoil me.
...lots of things hadn't happened to me.
...for happiness and peace 100% of the time.
...I could take a vacation to some tropical island.
...I could be a kid again.
...for a good husband and kids one day.
...I had an i.Pod connector in my car.
...I could go to sleep right now lol.

3 things I'm thankful for today:

Great weekend w/ my mom
"The He.lp" = GREAT movie
These things (don't judge me) are AMAZING! My mom claims they're for babies, but I don't agree lol. They're just a no mess/no spoon way to eat applesauce :).

Just Thinking

2011-09-03T09:49:00.000-04:00

I'm just sitting here thinking about stuff right now..waiting for my mom to get here. I decided to write...I don't really know why because I don't really have anything to say lol.

Actually, there's something that was bothering me from yesterday. That whole issue with Ch.az Bo.no being on DWTS? Am I the only one that doesn't understand why there's an issue? They were showing people on the news who were saying that Christians shouldn't watch it and it's too scandalous of an issue for children who watch the show to have to deal with. Really? You're supposed to be a Christian, so why are you judging other people? IF what Chaz is doing is a sin, you're a sinner too. We are allllll sinners. You having sex before you got married? A sin. You lying? A sin. So nobody has any room to judge anyone else. I heard there was even a group that was formed to try to get him off of the show.

*straight face*

1. He looks like a man, so a child wouldn't know anything is "different" unless their parents choose to tell them.

2. Things like this make me understand why some people are anti-religion. I consider myself a Christian, and because of that, I refuse to judge anyone else. If Chaz wants to be a man or feels like he's a man, that's his business. Not mine.

3. This is 2011. Enough said.

I personally hope he keeps his head up, doesn't listen to any of the crap, and does well on the show.

3 things I'm thankful for today:

A clean apartment
The holiday weekend
My niceness. Most times I think it's a bad thing that I'm so nice (because I'm often too nice), but ultimately it's probably a good thing. I'm sure it'll get me points with Big G.

She's back!

2011-09-01T22:58:00.001-04:00

Bessie (my car) is back and fully recovered from her reconstructive surgery. She's gorgeous! Thank GOD that whole ordeal is over.

Now...I just need to fight with Hertz to get reimbursed for whatever I have to pay for the rental.

And...I somehow need to get an i.Pod connection in my car now. Since I got a taste in the rental, I've decided that I can't live without it lol.

3 things I'm thankful for today:

Bessie!
Bessie's horn...I think it saved me from yet another accident today when some jerk almost swerved all the way over into my lane.
Week 1 of class is overrrrrr.

It's Gone

2011-08-31T21:22:00.001-04:00

Two in one day...

My voice is gone. Figuratively. Not literally.

I just realized that I've lost what I think is (was) a valuable part of who I am. I used to voice my opinion whenever something bothered me. Not in a mean way or anything...but I was assertive and told people what I thought when I felt like they did something wrong or hurtful to me, whether they wanted to hear it or not. I personally think that's a valuable trait to have because it means you don't let people walk all over you. You stand up for yourself.

I'm not 100% like that anymore. More and more, I find myself not saying anything when something is bothering me or when I'm not feeling good. Why? I guess I feel like...nobody really cares and nobody will do anything about it, so what's the point in me saying anything? I've been through more than enough experiences that made me feel like that...so I guess I've just gotten used to shutting up. I just don't feel like spending the time, energy, stress, frustration, and/or aggravation telling someone how I feel, only to have them not care, ignore what I said, or both.

I realize that this isn't a good way to be. And I realize that it's my past that made me this way...but it doesn't have to become my future. I just don't really know how to fix it. I'm used to keeping everything inside now...every single thing. If it isn't something "happy", I generally keep it to myself. Somehow...I have to fix this. I wanna be like old Tiffany again, at least on this particular subject.

Anyway, good news....I'm picking up my car in the morning!

Pissed

2011-08-31T17:27:00.000-04:00

I am LIVID right now...and because the people I wanna strangle aren't physically here, the next best thing is letting it out by writing. Warning - I don't usually curse, but I do when I'm mad...so...yeah.

Sidenote - Now that I think about it...in every situation in my life where I would've really (yes, really) punched someone and been charged for assault...the person wasn't physically around me. It was always through e-mail or over the phone. Weird. Maybe God was looking out for me. And them.

Anyway, I know I've said this too many times already, but I fuckin' HATE Hertz. I hate them. I hate the rude bitch that I've had to deal with. I hate the old man that hit me. I hate the collision center that's repairing my car. I just hate the entire situation. I STILL don't have my fuckin' car...and I might end up having to pay money (for the rental because Hertz refuses to pay for the extra days) WHEN I WAS THE ONE THAT GOT HIT! I mind my own business and an old man hits ME...and my ass ends up having to pay money for it. Shit's ridiculous.

Hertz blames the collision center for the extra days. The collision center blames Hertz for not just paying for it and not complaining. Guess who's stuck in the fuckin' middle and who will have to pay it because nobody else is gonna pay it? ME. Sigh. The guy at the collision center did say that he was gonna do everything in his power to make sure I got reimbursed (and I will too, even if that means cursing EVERYBODY out at Hertz), but still...I'm sick of this.

And I have class tonight.

And my mom is unwilling to compromise on coming up here for the weekend (I want her to come on Saturday morning and leave Monday morning instead of coming Friday morning and leaving Sunday so that I can have just ONE day this week to myself so I can clean up, etc....because I didn't get home until 10 last night and I have class tonight and tomorrow night). She tried to guilt trip me this morning, saying "well I just won't come at all then so you can do what you need to do..". UGH.

And I have no time this week to do the things I need to do.

And I'm sleepy.

AND....I had eggshells in my food today from the Thai place.

*breathes deeply*

I just needed to get that out. I'm good now. I mean...not GOOD good, but I'm okay. I won't choke anyone. I promise.

3 things I'm thankful for today:

Still loving that i.Pod hookup in the rental car lol. I'll be sad to see it go tomorrow.
Being able to control my anger most times
Starting this blog again :)

Tears

2011-08-28T13:57:00.000-04:00

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love." - Washington Irving

3 things I'm thankful for today:

That the hurricane wasn't bad and I didn't end up losing power.
My tears...I'm pretty sure they serve some kind of purpose, though I don't know what that purpose is right now.
The beautiful weather...there always seems to be beautiful weather after a really bad storm.

Earthquakes and Hurricanes

2011-08-24T19:38:00.000-04:00

Weird week. Yesterday we had an earthquake (that I absolutely felt on the 11th floor of my office building). This weekend we're supposed to get a Category 2-3 hurricane (damn you Irene!). Guess I better go to the grocery store tomorrow to beat the crowds. Ugh. Ironically, the last big hurricane I experienced began with an "I" too...Isabel. My senior year in high school (2003)...we didn't have power for 4 days and we were out of school for an entire week. Must be something about those "I" storms. Mother Nature, why do you not like us?

Maybe we'll get lucky and only get some rain and a little wind.

3 things I'm thankful for today:

New music! Someone recommended "The Week.nd" to me and I think I like him. It's a little..different, but I think I like that.
No earthquakes today (versus yesterday)! LOL.
Being less than a year away from having my Master's degree.

Sigh

2011-08-22T22:23:00.001-04:00

Arrrghhh. It's always SOMETHING.

I came home today to a letter stuck in the door telling me that I can renew my lease (which isn't up until November) before Friday (yes, this Friday) and take advantage of the "early bird special" that's $103 more than what I pay in rent today. If I decide to renew before September 1st, it'll be $50 more than that. After September 1st, $50 more than that.

*straight face*

So...even though my lease isn't even up until November, I am now (as in right now since I can only take advantage of the stupidly named early bird special that isn't really a special before Friday) forced to think about where I want to live for the next 18 or so months of my life WELL before I wanted to think about it.

I talked to my mom and still don't really know what to do. Here are my options:

Stay and just pay the $103 more per month. I like the location. I like the apartment (aside from noisy neighbors upstairs). I like not having to deal with the hassle of moving, especially in the middle of the semester. I'll be done with my Master's in a year, so I could save money during that year and then move into a bigger apartment after that. And maybe I'll have a new job by then (that might be the point of my Master's...I haven't decided yet), so who knows where I'll be. So it doesn't really make sense to move right now...
Move. I was thinking about moving anyway because of the noisy (they aren't THAT noisy, but they have two dogs and hardwood floors) neighbors upstairs and just because I wanted to move into a bigger apartment. This means I'd have to find an apartment I like for a price I like very soon. Plus I'd have to deal with the hassle of moving during the middle of the semester. And no doubt I'd be busy at work at the same time. And maybe I'd have even worse neighbors somewhere else.
Start thinking about buying a townhouse so I don't have to deal with any of this. This is my mom's idea. I don't want to buy a house up here.

Ugh. I don't know what to do. I'm leaning toward #1. I don't know. I'll call the office tomorrow to see about the "other terms" they mentioned in the letter.

This was so all over the place lol. Forgive me.

3 things I'm thankful for today:

Football...oh how I missed thee. Even though the stupid Giants are winning.
My hair today. It was extra soft and I loved it.
Love

Untitled

2011-08-19T21:57:00.000-04:00

I wish I could say all of this to you, but for some reason, I can't. I think I'm afraid to be too emotional or something. I don't know. So I'm writing it and hoping that you'll read it one day and understand.

You originally came into my life at a time when I needed a friend. You were that for a while, but you quickly became more. We got along sooooo well and had so much in common. We got closer and closer...and it eventually deepened into a love type of thing. I remember thinking back then that I knew you would always be there for me, no matter what. Then things fell apart. I was blindsided...totally blindsided. One day it was "I love you" and the next day it was "who the hell is this person that I thought I knew inside and out and how could they do this to me?" Going through all of that was hard...harder than you can imagine. I don't bring it up to make you relive it though. I bring it up because it's one of the situations that has shaped me into the person I am today...good and bad.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I'm scared. Scared to still love you and scared to let you in again. It's hard for me to trust anybody anymore, let alone people that have broken that trust in the past. I know you probably don't think about any of this since, for all intents and purposes, we sort of started with a clean slate again (and I agree that that's how it should be if we're going to continue to talk), but please know that just because I've forgiven doesn't mean that I've forgotten. I don't want you to forget either. I still have scars. Lots of them. From everything I've been through (a lot of which you know), not just with you. So sometimes I have bad days because I think about stuff. Or because I want things to be different when they aren't. Or because I feel alone from not being able to share this with anyone. Sometimes I'm just plain old terrified of what might or might not happen in the future. Sometimes I'm extremely sensitive (maybe overly so) to change.

To sum it all up, I'm still "damaged" (for lack of a better word...I'm working on it though). I want you to know that so I don't have to try to act perfect all the time. It's slowly becoming hard for me to do. I'm not always okay and I'm not always happy. I act like I am, but sometimes I'm not. I want to be able to be honest with you and tell you the truth about when and why I might be having a bad day or moment. I think I owe you that.

That's it I guess. I hope you understand everything (assuming you ever read this). If not, just ask me. I love you...always have and probably always will.

3 things I'm thankful for today:

Getting to leave work at 3pm
FANTASTIC commute today (there was no traffic for some reason)
Wa.sa.bi & Soy Sau.ce Al.monds - they are DELICIOUS. I usually hate spicy food, but I loveeeee those.

Overwhelmed

2011-08-17T18:51:00.000-04:00

I'm overwhelmed.

I have way too much to do and take care of and think about, and it's making me overwhelmed enough to just sit here and not do any of it. Work is crazy again (what else is new) and there's so much work to do, I'm still going back and forth with my car (I thought it was taken care of, but apparently not), I need to pay for school (which means I need to make it to the bank at some point to deposit the check for school), I need to get everything ready for school (books, parking permit, etc.), and there's TONS of personal shit (excuse my french) that I have to deal with.

I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it...so I just write it.

3 things I'm thankful for today:

Music. Sometimes, it's the only thing that calms me down.
The iPod connection in the rental car. VERY cool. My car doesn't have that, so I'm not used to it. I have to keep the rental for at least another week (long story), so I'll get to have the luxury for a little while longer.
My sanity...because it's amazing to me that I still have it lol.

Ice Cream Therapy

2011-08-16T19:26:00.000-04:00

Today is the kind of day where I just need a gallon of ice cream...so I can sit on the couch and eat it allllll by myself. I think I'd even go all out and get cookies n' cream instead of my normal vanilla.

I'm sad. Two women that I'm REALLY close to at work resigned last week/this week. I guess I should expect more of that to happen w/ the acquisition of my company (two other corporate people recently resigned too), but I'm just not good at goodbyes. At all. I don't like when people "leave" my life. It makes me sad. These women aren't leaving my life for any bad reason though, so deep down, I'm happy for them and I know we'll keep in touch.

I also just realized today that school starts again in two weeks. Blah. And I'm taking two classes - on Wednesday and Thursday nights. It'll be the first time since starting grad school that I won't have at least a day between classes. So thinking about that made me even more sad lol.

Unfortunately, I don't have any ice cream, and even if I did, I doubt I'd eat an entire gallon of it in one sitting lol. I have some peaches...maybe they'll do the trick lol. Doubt it, but I'll try it.

3 things I'm thankful for today:

Having coworkers that I can really consider friends.
Being blessed enough to have my company completely pay for me to get my Master's.
Ranch Do.ri.tos. I'm convinced that God made them just for me. :-)

If I Had Known...

2011-08-15T19:24:00.000-04:00

...that wearing a skirt and dressing up a little bit more would get me as many compliments as I got today...I would've been doing it wayyyyy sooner lol. I look like I'm leaning in the middle two pictures and I don't know why lol. The old me wouldn't have even posted them if I thought I looked silly. But guess what? Now I don't care!

3 things I'm thankful for today:

Skirts! Not just skirts...I guess I'm really thankful for the confidence I had today. It's unusual. Even before I left the house this morning, I really felt like I looked nice...and I don't usually feel that way. Usually it's "ok, you look aight..let's go".
Those yummy porkchops I cooked yesterday that I'm about to devour.
My hair. I love love love how it looks. I'm sure it's not everybody's "thing", but...I don't care lol. I LOVEEEE the "fullness" and curliness (not a word) of it.

Another Random

2011-08-13T19:41:00.001-04:00

I bought a super cute Coa.ch, messenger-style purse (clearance @ 50% off, plus the 20% coupon they gave me at the door...so it was a really good deal @ 70% off!) and super cute shoes today!
I ate wayyyyyy too much for breakfast this morning - 3 pancakes (didn't finish 'em), bacon, eggs, and biscuits & apple butter. Yummmm.
I got two compliments on my hair today and they made me feel really good. One was from a youngish white girl in a store. The other was from a black lady (also natural) in the mall...she actually stopped me and asked me how I get my hair like this and what products I use. And wrote it down on some paper!!!! People are now asking ME of all people how I do my hair. If only they knew that I also have nooooo clue what I'm doing lol. I'm also new to this natural hair thing. I think they assume that since my hair is long-ish, I did something to get it this way. All I did was keep it braided for 5 years because I was too lazy and scared to figure out how to deal with it.
I want to redecorate my entire living room. I don't think it's "me". I don't even want to think about how much it'll cost.
I need a new TV for my bedroom. It's time.
I'm officially going on a mini-cruise (to nowhere) in October. I paid it off yesterday. Hopefully I'll like it enough to go on a real cruise (to somewhere) next year.
A trip to Italy is officially on my bucket list (once I conquer that whole fear of flying thing lol).
I was thinking about this the other day....I think I'm scared of being in love again. I want it, of course. I REALLY want it. I'm pretty much terrified though.
I like the "thankful" section I have in each post. It reminds me that even when things don't seem so good, I still have soooooooo much to be thankful for.

3 things I'm thankful for today:

My parents coming to visit me today. I had a really good time. Breakfast at Crack.er Barr.el. Shopping. Good times. They're on their way back home now.
My natural hair. I should've been loving what God gave me all along. I just hope I'm doing the right "stuff" to keep it healthy and growing.
A friend...for making me smile more in the past 3 weeks than I've smiled in a while.

4.7 Miles

2011-08-12T18:28:00.000-04:00

I was off today and the weather was GORGEOUS, so I decided to walk 4.7 miles around a lake at a nice park here.

Someone PLEASE remind me never to do that again. Every inch of my body hurts :-(.

I'm ultimately happy I did it though :-) Look at this amazing view of the lake...that you pretty much get to see for most of the time that you're walking around it:

3 things I'm thankful for today:

FOOTBALL!!!! (I don't know how I forgot this one yesterday)
I walked 4.7 miles today!!!!
The 2011 Niss.an Sen.tra that I have as my rental for the next week. I expected something worse.

The Sere.nity Pra.yer

2011-08-11T19:00:00.000-04:00

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference."

3 things I'm thankful for today:

Again, I'm off of work tomorrow!
I'm finally getting my car fixed tomorrow! Hopefully I get a nice rental...maybe a Lexus? I doubt it...they'll probably give me something like what I already have.
The sere.nity pra.yer...it helps.

Arrgh!

2011-08-09T19:07:00.000-04:00

I've already written about how much I hate Hertz, so I won't write another long post about the same thing. But...

I HATE HERTZ.

Thank goodness I'm finally taking my car in on Friday to get my car fixed...so I won't have to deal with this crap after next week. Unfortunately, I still have to deal with Hertz one last time to get the rental on Friday. That's why I'm frustrated. Setting this whole rental thing up has been....ugh. It shouldn't have to be this hard. They're all incompetent. Anyway...I realized I never posted pictures of my injured Bessy (that's what I call my car lol). Look:

My baby has a dimple now that she wasn't born with :(. It doesn't look like much damage, but it's over $3000's worth. And the back door doesn't open all the way without the front door being open. I'll be sooooo happy when all of this is over.

3 things I'm thankful for today:

I'm off on Friday! Yay!
The bad stuff I've gone (and am going) through. I'm sure I went through it for a reason...even if I haven't figured out the reason yet.
85-degree weather Thursday and Friday.

Not So Good Friday

2011-08-05T22:42:00.001-04:00

I haven't really been in that great of a mood all day. And it continues now. It's kind of just...one of those moods. You know those moods you find yourself in when everything goes wrong one day? And you can't stop thinking about the past? And you can't stop thinking about all of the issues you have as a result of the past? Yeah...one of those moods.

I used to try to immediately "fix" those moods. Not anymore. I find that a better solution is to allow myself to feel whatever it is I need to feel for one day (two days max). The feeling usually passes at some point within that time frame. Of course I don't forget anything, but I don't feel SO bad about it anymore.

So right now I'm just gonna feel it and go listen to some music until I fall asleep.

Speaking of music, I cannot wait for the new Jay/Kan.ye album! I can't remember the last time I was this excited about music. Just 3 days away!

3 things I'm thankful for today:

My decision to stop wearing braids and start wearing my natural hair
Finally scheduling to get my car fixed (from the accident I was in)!
Weekends with no work to do

*Update* - It's now the next day and I feel 10 times worse. *sigh* Hoping this will pass...

I've Changed

2011-08-01T22:19:00.000-04:00

I've changed a lot in the past...5 or 6 years...for the best in some ways and not so much in other ways.

It's hard sometimes to think about how you thought your life would be, ya know? My first year in college, I thought I knew exactly how my life would turn out. I knew who I was gonna marry. I knew what career I would have. I knew how many kids I wanted and when I wanted them. And I knew for a fact all of that was gonna happen exactly how I had laid it out.

My life right now is pretty much nothing like that lol. Not yet anyway. And I'm different. I'm less trusting of people. It's really hard for me to let people "in". I'm not as happy. I have less self esteem. I'm stronger though. MUCH stronger. Some of the things that threw me into those "my life is over" thoughts back then don't even phase me now. Why? Because I've learned that no matter what happens, LIFE GOES ON. You still have to get up and go to school or work. You still have to go to the grocery store and clean your house and pay your bills. Life doesn't stop because somebody broke your heart. And after some time passes, you stop thinking about it as much. You never forget it, but it doesn't define you anymore. Andddd, I'm getting really emotional typing this, so I'll stop for the moment. I made my point.

Ultimately, I don't know that any of the changes are "good" or "bad". They just are. I can't take them too seriously right now because I'll probably change a lot more in the next 5 or 6 years. All I can do is try to be a better me, no matter what. I'll keep striving for the things I want, but I realize that (to a certain extent) when we plan, God laughs. So I won't sit here and plan every little detail. I have dreams though (finding my dream career, getting married, having kids, etc.)...and I'll never stop trying to reach them.

3 things I'm thankful for today:

The motivation to exercise
Good memories
Life

P.S. - For some reason, I cried writing this.

Random Thoughts

2011-07-29T21:03:00.000-04:00

I just watched Para.normal Ac.tivity 2 and it pretty much solidified the fact that I won't be watching 3 lol. I literally almost had about 10 heart attacks and now I'm hearing noises in my apartment.
I feel REALLY bad that multiple people in my class (not me) told our professor they were going to do a happy hour with him last night, but noone showed up. He sent a message out to everybody asking where people were. How sad, right?
I've been feeling a certain way...um...let's just call it what it is. I'm horny <----weird word lol.
I want a boyfriend so I won't have to deal with the previous bullet. And for other reasons too lol.
I've been thinking lately - I don't remember what it feels like to be loved in a romantic way. That's sad. I've heard "I love you", but I haven't felt it.
The state of the music industry today makes me sad/upset. Kraey.shawn? Really? UGH.
I wanna go to Jay and Kanye's concert when they come to DC.
Can't wait for their album next week by the way!
I also can't wait for footballllllllllllllllllll!!!!!!!!!!! Soooo many changes happening. I think this'll be one of the most interesting football seasons I've seen since I really started getting into it.
I still refuse to do Twi.tter.

3 things I'm thankful for today:

This weekend - it's pretty much the first where I don't have schoolwork (summer session is over now) or work work to do. I don't know what to do with all this time on my hands and I love it!
The people that love and care about me
The people that I love and care about

Bad Day

2011-07-27T21:52:00.000-04:00

I haven't had a very good day, so I'm attempting to cheer myself up. It isn't working though. *shrugs*

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

3 things I'm thankful for today:

The beautiful weather today. It was warm, but still nice. A welcome one-day relief from the insane heat we've been having.
Clarity about some things I've been thinking about
I know this isn't a "thankful" thing, but I REALLY hate my phone. I literally could not turn it off just now and couldn't make call. I will get a new one soon...and I will be thankful for that :-)

Exercise

2011-07-25T21:26:00.000-04:00

I exercised today (go me!), and it was the first time I almost liked it. Could I become one of those people? Those people that are exercising 24/7 and telling everybody else how much they should exercise 24/7?

Never lol. Know why? Because even though I sort of liked how I felt during the exercise and after...I still felt like I was dying lol. I was cursing Bob (from Bigg.est Lo.ser) out!

So yeah, I'll never become one of those people because I feel like a little part of me will always hate exercising. I realize that it's necessary though. And I feel GREAT when I finish. So accomplished. So lean lol.

Hopefully I can keep it up!

3 things I'm thankful for today:

Fall and Spring (there's nothing like this ridiculous heat and humidity that'll make you thankful for the other seasons)
Only two more classes! Yes!
Music

Extra: One thing I want today that I won't have - sex. Not sure why it's on my mind...it just is. That is all. :-)

Au Natural

2011-07-24T21:24:00.000-04:00

Just wanted to post some pics of my natural hair. I plan to document my "journey" through different lengths (hopefully just longer lengths) and styles.

3 things I'm thankful for today:

My mom - no matter what happens or how mad we get at each other sometimes, I know she's the one person in the world that'll always ALWAYS love me more than anything
A productive, relaxing weekend
Great convo with a new, old friend

Step 1

2011-07-23T12:23:00.001-04:00

Admitting you have a problem and figuring out the exact nature of the problem.

Last night, I had what O.prah calls an "aha" moment. For the first time, I admitted to myself that I had a real problem...and I now know exactly what the problem is (nothing serious like drugs or alcohol or anything like that...it's an emotional problem). I guess it was a good moment, but there was lots of crying involved.

I have no idea what to do about it or how to fix the problem though. I just know that I want it fixed by my 25th birthday in December because I have no intention of spending the last half of my 20s how I spent the first half. I literally want it to be 100% different. I don't want the low self-esteem, the rejection, dealing with people that don't consider me a priority, etc. I want to finally let all of that go and just love me, regardless of whether anybody else loves me or not.

So I feel a little nervous about the fact that I don't know how to fix the problem right now. All I can do is hope that'll come with a little time. I won't stop trying to figure it out.

3 things I'm thankful for today:

Air conditioning
The weekend
My summer class being over next week!

Blah

2011-07-20T21:17:00.000-04:00

I want a boyfriend.

That is all.

3 things I'm thankful for today:

My awesome friend Lauren who lives in Iowa right now. I miss her. It was really good talking to her tonight though.
My natural hair - even though the humidity does a number on it lol. I'm still loving it though.
My beautiful manicure/pedicure.

I Hate Hertz

2011-07-18T19:34:00.000-04:00

If it wasn't already evident by the title, I hate Hertz. Not their rental division (I've never used them), but their insurance claim division. Let me back up and tell the story.

I was in an accident in June. The guy hit me and he was at fault. All parties agree on that, so that isn't the problem. Hertz told me to get an estimate. I missed an hour of work and had to go out of my way one morning to go do that. Since it was over $1500 (any significant damage would be), Hertz had to send their own appraiser out to take pictures. They told me that it was just a formality and that they only needed to make sure I didn't get anything fixed that wasn't damaged by the accident. Okay. I get that. Fine. Their appraiser also took a copy of the estimate that I had gotten, which was around $3200. Last week the lady from Hertz told me she would be sending me a check to get my car fixed. I got the check today and it's for $2400. *straight face* So I called them back..and they told me that they sent a check for the amount that THEY thought it would cost, that it was only an estimate, and that the collision center just needed to call them if it ended up being more. *straight face again*. If they were going to just give me a check for what THEY thought it would cost, why the hell did they tell me to get my own estimate???!!! I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. And I was livid. I'm a little more calm now....but stupid things like that make me mad. Because it's just stupid for stupid's sake. Ugh. What makes me more upset is that the guy that hit me isn't going through ANY of this inconvenience that I'm going through. I was the one that got hit and I'm the one going through the most crap. He's REALLY lucky he's old. He might've gotten cursed out that day lol. I'm still thankful the accident wasn't worse though. I'll get over all of this soon and everything will be good. I just needed to vent.

3 things I'm thankful for today (I'll do this at the end of each entry):

My performance review/raise last week
The will and motivation to exercise a little while ago (go me!)
A sincere apology from an old friend (I don't know what, if anything, will come of it..but even if nothing does, I'm thankful for it anyway because I could tell it was real)

One More Time

2011-07-17T22:36:00.000-04:00

I've been inspired to start writing again, so I think I'll give this blog another try. I initially made it private and stopped writing because all of my entries were incredibly depressing. Looking back over them in the last day or so made me realize that yes, they are depressing, but it's because I was depressed. Maybe a completely functioning depressed person, but still depressed nonetheless. Or maybe just really sad. I'm not a doctor, so I don't want to diagnose myself as being depressed.

Anyway, writing always made me feel better, and I could use something in my life right now to make me feel better, so I'll try it again, and hopefully I'll stick with it this time. I don't think it'll be as sad though...at least I hope not. As I was reading through old entries, I kept thinking, "Geez...other people must think I'm clinically depressed". I don't want people to think that because it isn't true. I've just been through some really bad things that I haven't quite gotten over yet. I'll get over those things eventually, but right now I'm still a work in progress. One thing I've learned though? I am MUCH stronger than I give myself credit for. Things that I thought would cripple me...didn't. I learned that the world doesn't stop just because something bad happens to you. You still have to get up and go to work. You still have to live. And slowly, as time goes by, it becomes okay...maybe not great (it'll take a little more time to get to great), but okay is better than crippling.

Okay, I'll get off of my soap box now. I'll be back. I'm actually looking forward to writing again.

Privatizing

2011-01-28T16:51:00.001-05:00

Hey guys...I'm thinking about making this blog private, so e-mail me your e-mail addresses if you want to keep reading. I think there's a link over on the right side somewhere under my picture to e-mail me. Let me know if that isn't the case.

That link is actually on my profile page. So...e-mail me!

Sorry!

2011-01-23T16:47:00.000-05:00

It has been brought to my attention by one of my readers that I've neglected this blog yet again. Even after I said I was gonna start writing more. I feel so bad about that : (. I'm sorry dear readers! Please forgive me!

I'm not really sure why I haven't been writing more. It hasn't been because I'm super busy. I'm just a normal level of busy right now. I honestly think it's because nothing that exciting happens for me to write about lol. Maybe I'm just not motivated. I don't know. Even if I don't write about my personal life, I certainly have strong opinions about different things going on in the world right now, so I suppose I could write about those. Maybe I'll start that.

So what's going on with me right now? Let's see...

- Watching football right now. Rooting for Green Bay and Pittsburgh.
- Promotion dinner tomorrow!
- School starts back on Wednesday (ugh).
- Work is still crazy...did I ever write about the manager that I had a few months ago that was literally INSANE and who resigned by e-mail on a Sunday? I'll have to go back and look. If not, that's DEF a story worth telling because I really do think he belonged in the psych ward.
- I've been feeling pretty lonely lately, but I don't really wanna talk about that.
- I recently realized how much I HATE winter. And when I say hate, I really do mean hate.
- Guys are stupid, but what else is new. I would really just like to meet a normal, nice guy that doesn't turn out to be stupid/jerky for once.
- The biggest thing I've been focused on for the last month now is weight loss. I've been goin' pretty hard on the exercise, so wish me luck!

I'll try my ABSOLUTE BEST to write at least once a week. Sorry again!

Happy Holidays!

2010-12-26T20:05:00.000-05:00

I actually don't really have much to say...just that I had a really good/blessed Christmas and hope everyone else did too. I've been feeling pretty good lately...almost (dare I say) happy? Just...incredibly thankful for everything I have and everything I've been through. I'm slowly starting to realize that I probably had to/needed to go through all of it to get to where I am today and where I'll be in the future. I'm definitely still a work in progress, but at least I feel like I'm on the right path now.

Anyway...just in case you're not my friend on FB...here are some recent pics!

Promise

2010-11-28T14:12:00.002-05:00

I promise I'll get back to this blog. PROMISE. I guess I'm moreso making this promise to myself though since I don't think anyone reads the blog anymore. That's cool though. I blog for me anyway.

But yeah, as soon as my life calms down a little bit (and I'm hoping that'll be in 2 weeks), I'll be back to blogging. I'm just insanely busy right now.

FYI...I had a pretty nice Thanksgiving. It's always weird going back to Richmond for obvious reasons (parents are most times unstable, thinking I'll accidentally run into my ex, etc.), but things went off without a hitch this time. Hope everyone else's Thanksgiving was good.

Came back to add that next Monday is my birthday. I'm not quite sure how to feel about it yet. I mean...of course I'm happy that I'll be a year older, but I don't have any plans or anything like that...so....

I just hope lots of people wish me happy birthday. That'd be a good gift.

I Am Alive

2010-09-30T21:56:00.000-04:00

I'm alive.

School and work have both been kicking my butt. I literally have no life. It's all good though....working this hard now to get this Master's degree will prove beneficial to me later. Then I'll have a life.

I really intended to blog more though, so I apologize for not doing it (if anybody out there still reads). I doubt it'll change significantly any time soon. I'll try though!

Everything's cool though, aside from me being incredibly busy and work being a little...chaotic. The biggest development (at least I think so) is that I seem to be moving past the whole situation with Mr. Ex...and that is WAY more than I could ever ask for. I don't think about him NEARLY as much as I used to, and even when I do, it's only for a few minutes.

Hope everyone's good!

P.S. - I now officially hate the rain. WAY too much today.

Busy Bee

2010-09-06T13:21:00.000-04:00

I was hoping that I'd get a chance to write more regularly than this, but life doesn't seem to be cooperating with me. I've been INCREDIBLY busy lately (aside from the past 5 days since I took off of work).

School is back. Let's take a moment to shed a tear about that. I'm not terribly excited about it, but it is what it is. Getting my Master's degree is something I really wanna do, so I'm doing it. And I'd rather not take 5 years to get it, so I'm taking two classes this semester instead of the one I took last semester. And working full time. AND both classes are kind of difficult, especially the financial decision-making/accounting class. Both also require a lot of reading. So yeah...I'm not really gonna have much of a life for a while. It's ok though. I'll have a life when I'm done.

My manager (who I was really close to) left. I'm still not happy about that and haven't really gotten "over" it. I'm officially a team of one now, so everything is falling on me until we find a replacement for her. I'd rather not even talk about that since it'll just make me upset.

I'm also trying to start exercising like crazy and eating healthier. I have to lose weight. Not losing weight is not an option for me anymore. It just has to happen for me to feel better about myself.

Let's see...what else? I'm starting to want a relationship again. Even though I'm not completely over some of the things I've been through, I think it's a good sign that I don't hate all men anymore lol. Maybe that means Mr. Right will come into my life soon? I certainly hope so.

I hope everyone else is good!

I'll try my best to write more. I promise.

25 Things About Me

2010-08-17T20:05:00.000-04:00

1. I'm back! (Obviously...) Not that anyone missed me, but that's cool. I missed blogging, so here I am. Deleted the old because it's time for the new!

2. I love football. No, seriously. I LOVE LOVE LOVE football. I get sad/depressed/upset after the Super Bowl because I know it'll be months before I get to watch again. And I get incredibly giddy/excited/tingly at the end of the summer when it comes back. Like now. Even though it's only preseason, I'm like a kid in a candy store. I LOVE IT. Go Cowboys!!!

3. Alcohol makes me sleepy if I'm not up doing something. If I'm just sitting around on the sofa or something? It's lights out. The weird thing is that it usually happens when I only drink a wine cooler type of drink...never with the actual harder stuff. *shrugs*

4. I love to laugh and sometimes do it for 10 minutes at a time. About nothing really.

5. I'm emotional. It's something I've accepted about myself. It isn't gonna change. I used to think it was a bad thing, but I don't anymore. It's just me.

6. I'm extremely loyal and expect other people to treat me the same way.

7. My biggest fear is abandonment.

8. I don't really know how to cook. I can cook basic meals, but nothing too complicated. I'm slowly learning though.

9. The reason I probably haven't taken the time yet to learn how to cook? Because I'm impatient.

10. LOVE corny jokes. I die laughing at them.

11. I love HARD, with everything in me. I'm hoping that one day I'll get to experience somebody loving me like that.

12. Music is a huge part of my life. I'm not really sure what I would do without it. Sometimes I think about how I'd react if something happened to my mp3 player. It wouldn't be a pretty picture. Note to self - back up music on external hard drive.

13. I played the clarinet for 7 years.

14. I miss high school. I'd go back in a second.

15. I'm slowly starting to believe in love again.

16. I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I'm a big fan of reality TV. It isn't because it's "good" TV though. It's just because it's entertaining and funny.

17. I love to read. I'm secretly hoping I'll find a man that loves to read too.

18. I want a gay, male, best friend. The flamboyant kind. I think most women want one.

19. I'm about to start my second semester of grad school.

20. I wish I could go back in time and spend more time with my grandma. She really was the best...

21. I once dated a criminal. I was young and dumb. Now I'm not sure what I ever saw in him. We have NOTHING in common. He still calls me every once in a while. And he's still doing the exact same thing with his life.

22. I like reading random blogs.

23. My job is slightly stressful. Not all the time though...just this summer for some reason.

24. I love perfume. I have (and regularly use, but not at the same time) around 15-16 different kinds depending on how I feel on a given day.

25. The Off.ice is THE funniest show to me.